geh.

I'm in another one of those weird moods. I can't seem to grasp the branch that is just out of reach, taunting me and telling me that it will take me to happiness. I get stuck in these ruts where I just want to be home with Mike. I become overwhelmed with this feeling of insecurity and fear and never really know how I got there in the first place. This fear that spreads throughout me like cancer is one of losing Mike, of never seeing him again. After Charly passed away I thought that I would have a better grip on my fear of death, but it only seems that it has worsened. I become afraid that I will leave the house never to see him again. I think about what I would do if something ever happened to him, and even though we aren't married, we are a family. It literally tears my heart in two just thinking about such a horrible event. I don't know what I would do with myself without that other half picking up my slack, knowing how to make me laugh when I'm mad, or caring about my well-being every second of the day. I just want to curl up next to him, feel his warmth and fall asleep. It makes me feel secure to have him there, even if he rolls back over after a few minutes; but I know that "spoons" me because I feel safe and comforted by it.
I guess I should just count my blessings and be appreciative that I have someone so wonderful in my life... but it's hard knowing that someone you love very much can disappear forever, especially when it's happened to me before with Charly.
I don't know. I'll figure something out... I'll probably feel better when I get to see him in the morning come home from work. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way.