Has a funny way of showing you which direction to go towards. This last month and a half has been almost more than I can handle. Mike and I broke up, so that meant moving out of the apartment and back home. I felt so ashamed that after 3 years living away from home and getting my heart broken from a 5 year relationship, that i felt like i was turning into a kid all over again. i was embarassed to move back home, and a little apprehensive because of the circumstances, and i didnt know what to expect. I thought i was going to be coming back home and it was going to be exactly like it was right before i moved out, but it wasnt. everyone at home was glad to have me, despite the circumstances. ive grown to really like living back at home. I was starting to try and adjust to the new environment, what it was like to be single after so long, and then mike and me got back together after about a month.
he started to tell me all the things ive always wanted to hear from him. i knew he meant it, and i know that he still does. the little things that we were lacking in the relationship were suddenly there, so i followed my heart and went back into it. things were great, it was like the beginning of a relationship, but it started to die down again, apparently. he now told me that it just "doesn't feel right" anymore. he doesn't want to force things, and that moving in together screwed up our development as a couple. he said he likes being alone, and that i deserve someone who will support my decisions more, take care of me when i need it more and be there for me more. apparently he felt that it wasn't him to do that, and that he was unhappy. of course this leaves me heartbroken, again. although this time, it isn't as difficult. i know in my heart that our relationship would have been something spectacular if he would have put the effort into it. i cant help it that by nature im a supporter, and only want to please other people. making other people happy truly makes me happy.
i think too that my decision to resign from my job also was a spark in this as well. i knew that he wouldn't like it, but because he didn't really have a say anymore in my personal finances it was different. i have had so many problems that are work-related. first and probably the most important, is my heart and body. my heart is getting worse dealing with being awake at these hours. im getting more palpitations and my chest has been really tight/shortness of breath is like, all the time now. i went to the doctor's and had an ekg, then went to get blood drawn. waiting for results to see if it could be my thyroid. then he said i may need to go and see a cardiologist and do some 24 hour heart monitor crap. then my mom just found out that my grandma and great grandma had a pro-lapsed heart valve, that her (and possibly myself) may also have. just what i need, more strain on my freaking heart right now.
another reason is because of school. because i am living back at home and have some money (now that it no longer is being saved towards our future house) i have the opportunity to make school my top priority. this job has hindered my performance there, i always seem too tired to do anything when im not working, and some of my progress (or lack there of) is proof of that. i don't want to go throughout life and later on look back and regret not taking a chance. im at a time in my life where i deserve to be a little selfish and think about myself and my future, even if it's taking risks to do so. i really believe in my heart that this is the right thing to do, and i think its time that i follow my heart. i know that heart-following can cause pain, but i know that it's right. *3rd reason being some trouble i've had with someone at work, but i'm not going to talk about that on here right now*
and on a lighter note, i've lost 4 pounds! our family has been doing this detox thing for the last week, and i was getting a little bummed because it seemed like everyone else was losing weight and i wasnt. but then all the sudden, it dropped. its so cool, so im hoping that i can keep it up. we've had to drink 8oz of this mixture of cranberry juice, lemon juice and apple cider vinegar, 3 times a day. its a little shocking, but you get used to it. then we've been eating veggies and fruits, with minimal starches, minimal dairy and no meats. it makes it much easier to do since everyone in the house is doing it as well. plus, boca burgers are really good with some vegetarian cheese!!
so, ultimately, my heart is still in some pain right now, i still have trouble breathing, but i keep going day by day. plus, since i have some money to spend, that's literally burning in my pockets.... i might be planning a little something to happen next month. i like spending a little $$ on my brother... so we'll see if my plan will unfold. im blessed to have someone in my life who cares about me so much :)
off to disneyland soon i hope! i finally have a pass! woo hoo! :P
