my horrid 20 minutes

So today Mike wanted McDonalds for lunch, chicken nuggets to be specific. I am not a big fan of Mickey D's anymore, but I don't mind getting him lunch. So I get in my car and remember that my gas light is on.
Crap.
Well, then I think to myself, "It's ok, there's a Shell station right next to McDonalds, so I can get gas right before I get food."
So I pull into the gas station and realize that all of the pumps say they are out of order. WTF?!? ugh. So I pull to the side to pull out my handy dandy iphone to find the nearest gas station. Here is a picture of where I am at...



So that car pulls up behind me, and starts freaking honking. Ok. There is plenty of room to go around me, and it's an empty place, so it's not like I'm "holding up the line." And I'm like, whatever asshole. So he finally goes around. Then I remember that there's a Mobil station not too far, so I turn around, pull out of the gas station and am at the other stop sign to the main street. I'm about to turn when asshol gets behind me again and lays on the horn. What the hell?! So I'm all pissed, flip him off, and go on my way. I get to Mobil, fill up, and make my way back to McDs. Super long ass drive thru line, whatever. So I order Mike his 20 piece chicken nuggets and 8 barbeque sauces. I finally get up to get my food and here's how the intelligent conversation goes...

Guy: Do you need any ketchup?
Me: uh, yeah. Are there any bbq sauces in there?
Guy: Yeah, there's two.
Me: Well I need 6 more.
Guy: Uh, no.
Me: (sarcastically) Uh, yeah. I told them I needed eight.
Guy: looks at receipt Oh, ok.

Like it being on the fucking receipt makes a difference? And who the hell are you to tell me NO?? I'm paying for this GD food. Grrrrrr.... but I finally am on my way home and start to leave McDs, and pass by the Shell station again...

...only to see that the pumps are now open.







DUN DUN DUN!!! haha, horrid horrid day.

geh.

I'm in another one of those weird moods. I can't seem to grasp the branch that is just out of reach, taunting me and telling me that it will take me to happiness. I get stuck in these ruts where I just want to be home with Mike. I become overwhelmed with this feeling of insecurity and fear and never really know how I got there in the first place. This fear that spreads throughout me like cancer is one of losing Mike, of never seeing him again. After Charly passed away I thought that I would have a better grip on my fear of death, but it only seems that it has worsened. I become afraid that I will leave the house never to see him again. I think about what I would do if something ever happened to him, and even though we aren't married, we are a family. It literally tears my heart in two just thinking about such a horrible event. I don't know what I would do with myself without that other half picking up my slack, knowing how to make me laugh when I'm mad, or caring about my well-being every second of the day. I just want to curl up next to him, feel his warmth and fall asleep. It makes me feel secure to have him there, even if he rolls back over after a few minutes; but I know that "spoons" me because I feel safe and comforted by it.
I guess I should just count my blessings and be appreciative that I have someone so wonderful in my life... but it's hard knowing that someone you love very much can disappear forever, especially when it's happened to me before with Charly.
I don't know. I'll figure something out... I'll probably feel better when I get to see him in the morning come home from work. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way.

I AM...

-ready for this election to be over with
-sick of people's bullshit
-realizing that i need to stop trying to impress people
-a screw up sometimes, i admit it. but damnit i'm human
-proud that i have a few really close friends
-skeptical of some people's motivations
-hoping to pass all my classes this semester
-upset that NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ELEVATOR ETIQUETTE!!! gah.


yup.